Cutting It Out

Holy Buckets, it is March. I can't believe how fast February came and went! I am continually surprised how much faster time goes by now that I am out of school. Summer, Fall, and most of Winter have disappeared so quickly and it's weird to think, for instance, that we have had Lola SpecialDark Jamieson (our pug-beagle-dachshund mix) in our lives for 7 months now. It seems like only yesterday that a jet-black 3-pound puppy was lounging with a cold compress to keep cool in the July Heatwave.

As I get older, Spring has turned into my favorite season. Driving to work today at 6:30, I saw the beautiful March sky, the blooming Seattle Cherry Trees, and little tulips and daffodils popping their heads out of the ground. It is finally light enough at that hour to do so. It is starting to look like spring and saying "it is March" makes it feel even springier.

I had a great weekend! Ian and I drove to Shelton with our dog Lola to meet with our wedding florist at Lynch Creek Floral. I came prepared with pictures, ideas, and my budget in mind. We decided on some really beautiful bouquets, corsages, and boutonnieres and despite my earlier concern, came in under budget! (The Best!) Since it will be a garden wedding, we are going to be lucky to have beautiful pre-summer flowers all around us - which means no need for centerpieces or other such nonsense. I am completely thrilled with my bouquet!! I have decided to go with white calla lilies AND tulips with green calla lilies opened up around them. It's hard to picture when I describe it, but it is just so unique and elegant but still simple and beautiful! Exactly what I wanted! (I didn't know there was such a thing as a green calla lilly!)

We spent the night at my grandparent's house which is always relaxing and fun. On Sunday morning we all went for a long walk on the beach and Lola had a ball. As soon as we let her off her leash, she ran her little heart out, pressing her paws deep into the sand and letting her tongue waggle out of her mouth. She tried to eat a few jellyfish and realized she did NOT like the ocean, but overall I think it was one of the best days of her life. When we got home Sunday night, she had a bath and passed out on the couch not even bothering to get up to beg for scraps as I made dinner.  Oh to be a tuckered out puppy on a giant green couch.

I mentioned that my plan was to cut out "unnecessary simple carbs." Well, I decided last week (basically right after I wrote it) to cut out bread altogether. My plan also included drinking alcohol only once a week at one occasion (if at all), and cutting down on diary. That does not mean I have gone vegan, but now I don't drink milk except in my coffee, don't eat yogurt, only eat the egg whites, and cut way back on cheese. 

I know I am not the first to realize this but guess what? 

Wedding Planning and Dieting do not mix very well. 

 When I get stressed, I get lazy and hungry. While I enjoy planning the wedding a lot, it gets difficult because I am doing it all by myself. Ian is busy with school, work, internship, and finding a job for after graduation and while he does go to appointments with me for the invitations, cake, and florist, I am doing all the work - making the calls, writing the emails, doing the research, and making the decisions.  My mom and sister (maid of honor) live four hours away and also have a lot on their plate besides my wedding. I don't want to sound like I am complaining - I am somewhat of a control freak when it comes to certain things, my wedding details being one of them, so I don't mind picking out everything on my own. Ian has given me the freedom to do whatever I want to not because he doesn't care but because he knows I care more and he wants it to be my special day. It's just hard doing all the logistical stuff without help. 

With that boys and girls, it is now time for the brutal honesty portion of this program. I skipped my Friday workout session because I "wasn't feeling well" which meant I wanted to finish registering at Macys. I had about 4 pints of homebrewed beer at my grandparent's house and I ate sourdough bread without even remembering that I decided to cut out bread. Like I just realized this morning that I ate bread on Saturday and Sunday and wasn't supposed to! I am having a really hard time getting used to not being allowed to eat certain things. I have ALWAYS eaten whatever I liked. This makes me realize that

FOOD IS A VERY SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR ME.

Women around me give me their success stories:

"I went dairy-free and lost 20 pounds... without working out."

"Before my wedding I stopped eating bread and I lost 15 pounds in 2 months." 

And I think Hey Wait - on the food pyramid aren't the dairy group and grains group like pretty big groups? 
Going into this weight-loss endeavor, I knew I wanted to create healthier eating habits, but do I really need to completely get rid of whole food groups to be successful?
Since I realized I might be mildly allergic to tomatoes, here is a list of some of my favorite things that I can no longer eat because they include ALL the things I have decided to "cut out":

1. Quesadilla or chips with salsa
2. Bruschetta
3. Spaghetti with Prego and Parmesan
4. Pizza
5. Tomato Cucumber Salad
6. Tomato Bisque Soup with Cheesey Bread
7. Red Beer (ok, I don't drink this that much but now that I can't, I want it real bad.)

This list of things were basically my staples in college. (Maybe why I gained 40 lbs??) 

Cutting out candy, trading my grande white chocolate mocha (470 cal) for a tall skinny cinnamon dolce latte, (90 cal) and forgoing the Ruffles is a lot less difficult for me than I thought it would be. But I get genuinely irritated that I can't have the occasional beer after work and that I can't make pasta on a lazy Saturday afternoon. I feel like a addict because food is all I think about these days. It consumes me. I think about crackers during the day. I fantasize about bagels with cream cheese. I have dreams about Scooby Doo shaped Kraft macaroni and cheese for goodness sake. I feel like a crazy person. I feel guilty for the rest of the day if I sneak a slice of cheese or a sliver of pumkin loaf. I feel like at any moment, I could snap and say "screw it!" and eat an entire Safeway cart full of bread, cheese, tomatoes, and beer. I think it could happen - I live above a Safeway! And it unfortunately makes me wonder: is this worth it? I think to myself Ian doesn't care that I weight 175 pounds. My family and friends love me the way I am. But then I remember that I am doing this for ME! And I care about reaching a healthier weight. 
 
I don't want to question my attempts to be healthier, and I really don't want to cut out some of my favorite foods just to lose weight faster. I think the key is moderation when it comes to food. Maybe I am making things up so I can have my bread back. But since I have started working out with my trainer, even though I have only technically lost 5 or 6 pounds, I feel so much better about myself. I feel slimmer and less flabby. I know that in actuality, nothing has physically changed by much. If I can cut down on things like bread and dairy instead of cutting out these things and work as hard as I can in the gym, I may not meet my 30 pound goal by the time June 19th rolls around. But I KNOW that I will make progress on feeling more confident, I will be healthier, and I won't hate myself for enjoying food. 

This is not me giving up, making excuses, or copping out! This is me realizing that a balanced diet is healthiest - not one with holes in it. Call me a cheater, but this is what it's gonna have to be so that I don't give up one day.

This week I want to focus on getting to the gym on my off days,  finding a great place for the rehearsal dinner, looking at wedding party presents, and enjoying my time being engaged to Ian!
Thanks for listening!