Dreams

So it's my understanding that nearly every bride has hideous dreams about what all can go wrong with the wedding. The flowers wilt, the cake collapses, the dress doesn't fit, the weather sucks, the groom shows up piss drunk, your face is covered in zits, or the caterer doesn't show. My dream interpretation book at home sugggests that if you are getting married and have dreams of your pending wedding, then it highlights the stress of organizing a wedding. Conflicts over wedding details, tension with family and in-laws, fear of commitment, and loss of independence may all cause wedding anxiety dreams. Research has shown that up to 40% of brides and grooms have dreams about their ceremony and things going perfectly. 

I have never once had a dream that everything went perfectly... guess I am a part of that other 60%.

In my awake life I am not actually worried that any of the unfortunate things above will happen. I am confident in my vendors, groom, made of honor, self, etc. I have everything planned, my checklists are up-to-date and checked off.  I know that maybe one or two things will go wrong on the day, but I know that not everything will. Whatever does go wonky will be fixable, I am sure. In fact, most of these bad dreams end with me figuring out a way to fix the situation. So why am I dreaming about these disasters if I am not actually worried about them happening in real life? (Besides being a reflection of my stress.)

Today I realized that there is one dream-theme that is never solved in slumberland. The only one that I am actually worried might happen.

In every one of my bad wedding dreams, the disaster begins when someone doesn't follow through. The dress doesn't fit because the alterations lady forgot to take it in. The flowers suck because the florist didn't show to arrange them. The cake collapses because baker didn't care enough to do it well. See the theme? In the worst of these dreams, the guests don't show up. Nobody comes to my wedding. I am deathly afraid that nobody cares about my wedding, or rather, nobody cares about me. Holy Insecurity, Batman! As I get ready to send my invitations, I prepare myself for the chance that nobody will RSVP. That I haven't done enough to insure that the people I invite care to attend. Maybe a few people will RSVP, but they will find something better to do at the last minute.

I am going to be honest with you - I know why I have this fear. It's because past experience instructs me not to trust that anyone will follow through. This statement excludes Ian, mom, dad, grandparents, and sister which is probably why they are typically the only ones in attendance in my wedding dreams. 

I also feel like I have not kept up the friendships that are so important to me. All my closest friends live so far away from me and the friendships seem lost. It takes two to tango - I am not saying this disconnect is all my fault. But I do wish I had done more to keep in touch if nothing else so I could feel like all the most important people to me will be there on my wedding day.

I am finding this hard to articulate so I am going to stop and think about it some more.

In other news, my trainer has been pushing me really hard with cardio. I have felt really motivated but not really energized this past week about working out. The motivation comes from looking at pictures of myself and wanting so badly to change. The absence of energy comes from

1.  My lack of result I have been working out consistently for a little over a month now with basically no results. I mean, we are all into instant gratification but... come on! NO visable results? I hope for some soon and continue to work hard.

2. Work. Work has been completely draining lately. It is difficult enough to fit in stuff like exercising and planning while working a 45 hr week but what is suffering is my quality time with Ian and Lola. I am so thankful to have gainful employment - and I am certainly glad I have it. However, I look forward to a time in my life when I am doing something I am passionate about and feel called to do instead of something that is little more than just a job. Hopefully that time comes soon. (once I figure out what I am am called to and passionate about.)

Wah, wah, wah, poor me. It's nice to realize and share my fears and annoyances. But maybe that is enough of it for now.

In the next week, I will work on being more positive. Let you know how that goes.

Thanks for listening.