Good News!

It was completely ridiculous to worry about the engagement shoot. So silly. It was actually a lot of fun and I never once felt fat, ugly, or uncomfortable! Blake let me see some of the good ones on the car ride to lunch, but I can't wait see all of the pictures. I will be sure to share some of them with you, my faithful readers.

I think that there was one specific thing that made me feel a little more confident about the shoot. On Friday, my trainer took my 6 week measurements.  (She measures me every 3 weeks) In the last 3 weeks I have lost a total of 10 inches from my waist, bicep (right one), thigh (right one), hips, and chest! Even though the scale hasn't shown much of a change - 7lbs total - the measurements DO NOT LIE! Raise your glass to losing fat and gaining muscle!!
I was very pleased with the results and it definitely made me feel like all this hard work dieting and exercising wasn't for nothing. The next 3 weeks involve a lot of running and stairs so I look forward to seeing more positive results!

Yesterday, Ian and I went down to blustery Downtown Seattle to polish up our registry at Macy's. You know, registering is a blast. Ian's favorite part is shooting each item with the scanner. The lady helping us wasn't surprised that Ian wanted to be in charge of the scanner - I think it's pretty common that the groom wants to operate the gun.

All the invitations have been sent! We bought cheesy wedding stamps and I used a nib and drawing ink to write out 100 addresses. We have already received a few RSVPs. Hopefully the rest will pour in soon. 

Now, if I could just find some damn wedding shoes. Suggestions?

In other news, Ian has a phone interview tomorrow for the Assistant Director of Residential Life position at Ohio Northern University in Ada, Ohio! Yes, Ohio. Not the ideal location, but it is a good job. It's nice to get a positive response on the job-front. So everyone send prayers, thoughts, good juju, positive vibes, and warm fuzzies to Ian and ONU tomorrow around 11am!


thanks for listening!

Narcissistic Running and Photo Phobia

Yesterday my trainer and I ran down Madison Street and a bit around the Arboretum.  Then we power-walked back up the hill. A bit more than three miles total. On Tuesday we did a two-mile run around Volunteer Park and the Asian Art Museum. On Monday we had a jaunt around Madison Park and ran stairs. It has been an intense week so far. Today is a day off from training, thank goodness! Friday we will do weights and core training.

I am finding more enjoyment from running with my trainer than I thought I would. It's like therapy - I chatter away about anything and time and miles slip by. For a bit it felt ridiculous to essentially be paying someone to run with me, but I realize that 1.) I wouldn't do it on my own and 2.) It's nice to blabber on and not worry about it. If I were doing the same with a friend, I would seem completely narcissistic. I am completely narcissistic on my runs. But that is because my training sessions are all about me. And that's okay! It doesn't hurt my trainer's feelings or anything because she is there for me. I am not going to lie, It's great.

In other news, the engagement photo shoot with BlakeJames Photography is this Saturday. I wasn't sure I even wanted to do engagement photos because the whole point of losing weight for the wedding (besides being healthier and more confident) is to look better in the pictures! Why would I want pictures of myself mid-goal?
But I can't pass up a great opportunity to work with Blake and replace the off-center, arm stretched out, point and click, framed photos of Ian and I with professional ones.
The plan is to go to our roof-top patio, Paramount Theater, Gas Works Park, and perhaps a walk around the neighborhood so we can include Lola SpecialDark Jamieson in the fun. It is supposed to be cloudy with a small chance of rain. It is too bad we couldn't do the shoot yesterday as it was a totally gorgeous day in Seattle.

I have to be honest with you, (isn't the the point of this blog?) I am really nervous about the shoot. I don't have many pictures of myself from the past 3 years because I have become camera shy. When I look in the mirror, or when I see my reflection walking by a window, I don't mind too much what I see. I am pretty good at focusing on the bits that I like and not on the parts I wish to change. I have been able to imagine myself the way I want to be instead of the way I am. But pictures don't lie. When I see pictures of myself, especially candid ones, it absolutely depresses me. I go through the whole self-loathing ordeal - Why did I let myself go? Maybe I should stop eating full-stop. How can Ian be attracted to me? And it goes on and on.
I am just being honest.
So my biggest fear about the engagement pictures is that I won't want to look at them.

Luckily, Blake makes me feel very comfortable and has assured me that the shoot will be fun and easy. Ian always makes me feel beautiful and I am excited to do "wedding stuff" with him.

So we have picked out the outfits, Ian got a haircut last week, and I am getting my nails done on Friday.

I will let you know how it goes and hopefully share some of the photos with you.

Thanks for listening.

The Unknown

I have yet to write about this "starting the next chapter of my life" business. By "starting the next chapter of my life," I specifically mean figuring out and then beginning whatever my new life will be after the wedding. Currently, my fiance, Ian is applying for jobs within higher ed all over the country. He is super organized about it - he even has a spreadsheet of all the schools he has applied to with closing dates, contact info, and the like. I think he's applied to about 32 jobs or so. I know, it's a lot. But this is a really bad time to be looking for work, and he's trying to open a lot of doors.
So I have a stable job right now that has been very useful in supporting us while Ian finishes up grad school, but I know that nannying isn't something I want to do forever. So wherever Ian gets a job is where we will be moving. We would like to stay in the Pacific Northwest because... well who wouldn't? It's gorgeous, our families are here for the most part, and it would be much less of a hassle.
The annoying thing is that it is still so uncertain what our lives will look like after the wedding. If Ian gets a higher ed job, the start date would be July 1st in almost any case. But he hasn't had any positive response from any of the jobs he's applied for so far. This makes me feel a range of emotion:
First, I am worried that Ian won't get a job he wants and will be unemployed and/or unhappy. Second, I am uneasy about the fact that I don't know anything about where we will live after July 22nd when our lease is up. I am not concerned about being homeless or anything of course. It's the not knowing part that irks me. Third, I feel a little upset that I virtually have no control over what happens next. It's all basically in the hands of the good people at the various universities an colleges across America.  I can't prepare for the next step, I can't anticipate what my life will require. All I can do is sit here in my life and wait, always wondering about the what ifs. I am afraid of the unknown. I have come to realize more and more that I am a planner. I think I used to be a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal. Back when I was an ENFP. Now, being an INFJ, the unknown freaks me out. Even writing about it irritates me.
Deep down I know it will all work out. I guess I am not worried that it won't. I just hate the meantime.

Getting on the Right Track

Well that went entirely too fast! I am already done with Skinny Bitch. Nothing lasts forever I suppose. It was a really good read and inspires a lot of change in me. It definitely served to make me a vegetarian for the rest of my life. No joke - from now on I will no longer eat meat. Just like that - I am that easily influenced.

Yesterday after work I went to Whole Foods and bought nearly 80 dollars worth of healthy, nondairy, vegetarian foods: organic graham crackers, almond milk, rice crackers, veggieburgers, whole wheat tortillas, nondairy buttery spread, organic hummus, soy ice cream, and the like. I want to try these things, see if I like 'em.

For dinner I had fake chicken with bbq sauce. Not 100% the same as the real thing but I 100% feel better about eating it, and it's better for me. Almond milk with whole grain cereal wasn't too bad, either. :) Happy Camper.

Is this new eating adventure going to be more expensive than my old one? Why, Yes. It is. But my health and well being is worth it.

I am now going to relish in the empowerment I feel. Talk to you later.

Skinny Bitch

So I am sitting here, la la la, listening to the baby monitor, la la la, drinking my Calorie Free, No Sugar!, No Sodium, No Caffeine, No Preservatives, NO ASPARTAME, NO CARBS Diet Hansen's Soda, la la la, when I read this in my new read, Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin:

"Because we are having so much fun, let's bash the shit out of Splenda, one of the newer sweeteners. Splenda is made by chlorinating sugar, changing its molecular structure. The finished product is called sucralose." 

I quickly look on the side of my Hansen's can to read that it contains triple filtered carbonated water, natural flavors with extracts of California grapefruit, citric acid, SUCRALOSE, and acesulfame potassium, whatever that is. So I continue reading my book to discover the horrors of this sweetener in the chapter called "Sugar is the Devil:"

"The makers of this poison tout its lack of calories and claim it's safe for diabetes. The FDA calls sucralose 98 percent pure. The other 2 percent contains small amounts of heavy metals, methanol, and arsenic. [source is "The Potential Dangers of Sucralose," Mercola] Well, gee, at least it doesn't have calories. Sucralose has been found to cause diarrhea; organ, genetic, immune system and reproductive damage; swelling of the liver and kidneys; and a decrease in fetal body weight. What a splendid product! According to Dr. Joseph Mercola in Consumer Research magazine's article 'The Potential Dangers of Sucralose,' 'There is no clear-cut evidence that sugar substitutes are useful in weight reduction. On the contrary, there is some evidence that these substances may stimulate appetite.'" 

Holy Guacamole! Here I am, thinking that because of all the "no's" on my can, my beverage choice is the healthiest of sodas available. (The reality is I shouldn't be drinking soda, period.) I didn't know just how bad artificial sweeteners are! I mean, I didn't assume they were healthy, but at least better than plain old sugar. Not so, apparently.
So now I think - well shit! Aspartame and sucralose are in EVERYTHING diet-y it seems. What am I to eat? Am I going to have to look at EVERY nutrition label on EVERYTHING I eat from now on? Sheesh.
Luckily, Skinny Bitch also gives suggestion for healthier, natural food, including "healthy" junk food. (I also just picked up the cookbook Skinny Bitch in the Kitch which will help me cook more healthfully.) If you haven't already, I implore you to pick up a copy of this "no-nonsense, tough love guide" at your earliest convenience. Not only is it informative, its damn hilarious. My favorite chapter so far  is called, "Carbs: The Truth." Yes, I can eat bread and pasta and rice and still lose weight. Take that!


I have decided to make a change concerning my workout schedule. I am bumping my training sessions up to 4x a week! I need some results, and I mean now, in order to stay motivated. Adding one day each week to my schedule means my sessions will end on May 13, a little less than a month before the wedding, and the approximate date of my last dress fitting which is perfect. After that, I actually shouldn't lose any more weight so that I can fit into my dress! I am confident that I will not gain back any weight during that month.

Working out always sucks during, but afterward, I always feel good. I would love to be one of those people who loves to go for a run, or play sports, or lift weights, but most likely I never will be. And that's okay. If I want to get the body I dream of, I am required to make some sacrifices.  For the next two months, all I have to do is put down the cookies, and look toward my wedding day to find motivation, and know that it will all be worth it soon!

Well, I am going to continue reading my book, but hope you have enjoyed this little diversion. When I get off work tonight, I am going straight to Safeway, directly into the "health food" section, and stocking up on foods that are more natural, healthy, and artificial sweetener-free.

thanks for listening!

Today's Blessings

As I sit here in bed, sick, with a hot water bottle at my feet and a sleeping puppy at my side, I feel very blessed for a few reasons.

1.     In the interest of writing more often, I got a new laptop yesterday! My old one would overheat and randomly shut off on a whim making it very unreliable. So Ian and I went out yesterday to the Apple Store to purchase a new computer.  I love, love, love my new Mac book Pro! It’s silver and black exterior and backlit keys are so damn sexy.

2.     Ian’s sister Ashley and her boyfriend Garret are came out to Seattle to have dinner with us at our apartment last night. The menu included crudités and chips and salsa for appetizer, chicken fajitas for dinner, and granny smith apples with caramel for dessert. Yummy meal and mostly healthy. Garret lives in Idaho and he and Ashley see each other every other weekend or so.  We are glad they chose to spend some of their time together with us! They are great together and Ashley always amuses me. She’s hilarious.

3.     Even though I haven’t been to the gym since Tuesday because of my blasted sickness, I have actually lost a bit of weight. This is because I am sticking to mostly healthy eating habits and sometimes taking the stairs instead of the elevator I suppose.

4.     It’s the weekend and I don’t have to work. That’s always amazing.

5.     My sister called to tell me that my bridal shower will be on May 8th and I was instructed to send her a guest list. I feel blessed and loved that she puts in so much effort as my maid of honor and as my sister to make sure that I feel special and that my wedding events are special. She gets me and it’s rare to find someone who would drop anything to help you. I hope she knows that I would do the same for her.

Dreams

So it's my understanding that nearly every bride has hideous dreams about what all can go wrong with the wedding. The flowers wilt, the cake collapses, the dress doesn't fit, the weather sucks, the groom shows up piss drunk, your face is covered in zits, or the caterer doesn't show. My dream interpretation book at home sugggests that if you are getting married and have dreams of your pending wedding, then it highlights the stress of organizing a wedding. Conflicts over wedding details, tension with family and in-laws, fear of commitment, and loss of independence may all cause wedding anxiety dreams. Research has shown that up to 40% of brides and grooms have dreams about their ceremony and things going perfectly. 

I have never once had a dream that everything went perfectly... guess I am a part of that other 60%.

In my awake life I am not actually worried that any of the unfortunate things above will happen. I am confident in my vendors, groom, made of honor, self, etc. I have everything planned, my checklists are up-to-date and checked off.  I know that maybe one or two things will go wrong on the day, but I know that not everything will. Whatever does go wonky will be fixable, I am sure. In fact, most of these bad dreams end with me figuring out a way to fix the situation. So why am I dreaming about these disasters if I am not actually worried about them happening in real life? (Besides being a reflection of my stress.)

Today I realized that there is one dream-theme that is never solved in slumberland. The only one that I am actually worried might happen.

In every one of my bad wedding dreams, the disaster begins when someone doesn't follow through. The dress doesn't fit because the alterations lady forgot to take it in. The flowers suck because the florist didn't show to arrange them. The cake collapses because baker didn't care enough to do it well. See the theme? In the worst of these dreams, the guests don't show up. Nobody comes to my wedding. I am deathly afraid that nobody cares about my wedding, or rather, nobody cares about me. Holy Insecurity, Batman! As I get ready to send my invitations, I prepare myself for the chance that nobody will RSVP. That I haven't done enough to insure that the people I invite care to attend. Maybe a few people will RSVP, but they will find something better to do at the last minute.

I am going to be honest with you - I know why I have this fear. It's because past experience instructs me not to trust that anyone will follow through. This statement excludes Ian, mom, dad, grandparents, and sister which is probably why they are typically the only ones in attendance in my wedding dreams. 

I also feel like I have not kept up the friendships that are so important to me. All my closest friends live so far away from me and the friendships seem lost. It takes two to tango - I am not saying this disconnect is all my fault. But I do wish I had done more to keep in touch if nothing else so I could feel like all the most important people to me will be there on my wedding day.

I am finding this hard to articulate so I am going to stop and think about it some more.

In other news, my trainer has been pushing me really hard with cardio. I have felt really motivated but not really energized this past week about working out. The motivation comes from looking at pictures of myself and wanting so badly to change. The absence of energy comes from

1.  My lack of result I have been working out consistently for a little over a month now with basically no results. I mean, we are all into instant gratification but... come on! NO visable results? I hope for some soon and continue to work hard.

2. Work. Work has been completely draining lately. It is difficult enough to fit in stuff like exercising and planning while working a 45 hr week but what is suffering is my quality time with Ian and Lola. I am so thankful to have gainful employment - and I am certainly glad I have it. However, I look forward to a time in my life when I am doing something I am passionate about and feel called to do instead of something that is little more than just a job. Hopefully that time comes soon. (once I figure out what I am am called to and passionate about.)

Wah, wah, wah, poor me. It's nice to realize and share my fears and annoyances. But maybe that is enough of it for now.

In the next week, I will work on being more positive. Let you know how that goes.

Thanks for listening.

Adri-Happies

My friend Sarah tagged my in her blog post with an assignment. Basically, the premise is to say good thoughts about life; 10 things that make you happy. Mine, like Sarah's, are "ever-changing and relatively permeable to circumstantial influences." Well put.

 Here are my current Adri-Happies in no particular order:

1. theknot.com. This helpful website provides me with a budgeter, checklist, notebook, and wedding website. It is an amazing resource for a bride who doesn't always know exactly what she's doing. I love looking at the photo gallaries of real weddings to get ideas of what I might like at my own wedding. The checklist is probably the best feature - a lot of the month-by-month reminders are things I would not have thought to do such as appraising my ring. I also didn't know it's typical to have 3 dress fittings. It's also nice to know when certain things should be done. Time lines make me happy. I could spend hours looking through this website!
2. Lola SpecialDark Jamieson. (in case you couldn't already tell) My puppy-dog is one of the best parts of my day, everyday. I come home from work and she is all squeaky and bouncy and nobody has been more excited to see me. She is affectionate and spunky. Just a love. She isn't the brightest light in the tanning bed, but she can sit, stay, go potty, and drink water on command.
3. Target. I just love the store! Granted, I can't seem to leave without a purchase. But there is never a time when someone says "hey wanna go to Target?" and I say "no way I don't want to go to Target." The Target at Northgate is my favorite. Two stories, Starbucks inside, (duh, it's Seattle) and cart escalators. It's a comfort that I know exactly where everything is located, and that I know what size of the Mossimo, All Star, and Merona clothes I fit into. Don't judge - most of my clothes come from Target.
4. Glee. True, it hasn't come back to prime-time yet. But Ian and I ordered the entire first volume of season one on Netflix and could barely keep from watching them back to back to back. LOVE this show. Is it sad that TV brings me such joy? NO, I say. Sorry Ian, but Mr. Shue would be welcome to serenade me anytime he wants.
5. Blogging. Yes. This. It gives me some time to myself in an otherwise packed day. I feel like my thoughts are more organized, my words are heard, and my creativity is exercised. It also makes me happy to read other blogs like Sarah's, Blake's, and Jess'.
6. My Apartment. I should say our apartment. It's beautiful, peaceful, and has everything I need. I always have a hot shower, a washing machine, dryer and dishwasher for easy cleaning, and an electric fireplace for when I get chilly. Just a few of the things that I love about my place. 
7. My Family. Which will soon include not just a few Jamiesons! Without my family I would be nothing. 
8. Random Texts. Whether it's Ian's "I love you" texts or Lauren's "I definitely had a dream that Rufio from Hook was trying to kill me" texts, the random ones certainly bring me the biggest smiles. I suppose this can include TFLN. I have an app for that... 
9. My Bed. It is seriously the most comfortable thing in the world and I have never slept better. We got a memory foam topper from Costco when we moved to Seattle and it is AMAZING. Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night to find your limbs are asleep? Well I used to all the time. I don't anymore. It's magical.
10. Last but not least is Ian. Hate to be cheesy, but he is my best friend and the love of my life. We have all kinds of fun together and I always want to spend more time with him. I wish every person could have a person like him in his or her life. He is loyal, caring, hardworking, dreamy, and entertaining. He is my favorite.

Another thing that makes me happy is that Tuesdays are my "half day" (which still means I work 5 hours) and I am off at noon! Today I can combine almost all of my favorite things together - I am going to finish up this post, go home to my apartment, do some laundry, take a shower, play with Lola, call my mom about some wedding stuff I found on theknot, take a nap, and then pick Ian up from work. Best Day Ever, even though it may not seem exciting.
Thanks for passing on a great post idea, Sarah!

Cutting It Out

Holy Buckets, it is March. I can't believe how fast February came and went! I am continually surprised how much faster time goes by now that I am out of school. Summer, Fall, and most of Winter have disappeared so quickly and it's weird to think, for instance, that we have had Lola SpecialDark Jamieson (our pug-beagle-dachshund mix) in our lives for 7 months now. It seems like only yesterday that a jet-black 3-pound puppy was lounging with a cold compress to keep cool in the July Heatwave.

As I get older, Spring has turned into my favorite season. Driving to work today at 6:30, I saw the beautiful March sky, the blooming Seattle Cherry Trees, and little tulips and daffodils popping their heads out of the ground. It is finally light enough at that hour to do so. It is starting to look like spring and saying "it is March" makes it feel even springier.

I had a great weekend! Ian and I drove to Shelton with our dog Lola to meet with our wedding florist at Lynch Creek Floral. I came prepared with pictures, ideas, and my budget in mind. We decided on some really beautiful bouquets, corsages, and boutonnieres and despite my earlier concern, came in under budget! (The Best!) Since it will be a garden wedding, we are going to be lucky to have beautiful pre-summer flowers all around us - which means no need for centerpieces or other such nonsense. I am completely thrilled with my bouquet!! I have decided to go with white calla lilies AND tulips with green calla lilies opened up around them. It's hard to picture when I describe it, but it is just so unique and elegant but still simple and beautiful! Exactly what I wanted! (I didn't know there was such a thing as a green calla lilly!)

We spent the night at my grandparent's house which is always relaxing and fun. On Sunday morning we all went for a long walk on the beach and Lola had a ball. As soon as we let her off her leash, she ran her little heart out, pressing her paws deep into the sand and letting her tongue waggle out of her mouth. She tried to eat a few jellyfish and realized she did NOT like the ocean, but overall I think it was one of the best days of her life. When we got home Sunday night, she had a bath and passed out on the couch not even bothering to get up to beg for scraps as I made dinner.  Oh to be a tuckered out puppy on a giant green couch.

I mentioned that my plan was to cut out "unnecessary simple carbs." Well, I decided last week (basically right after I wrote it) to cut out bread altogether. My plan also included drinking alcohol only once a week at one occasion (if at all), and cutting down on diary. That does not mean I have gone vegan, but now I don't drink milk except in my coffee, don't eat yogurt, only eat the egg whites, and cut way back on cheese. 

I know I am not the first to realize this but guess what? 

Wedding Planning and Dieting do not mix very well. 

 When I get stressed, I get lazy and hungry. While I enjoy planning the wedding a lot, it gets difficult because I am doing it all by myself. Ian is busy with school, work, internship, and finding a job for after graduation and while he does go to appointments with me for the invitations, cake, and florist, I am doing all the work - making the calls, writing the emails, doing the research, and making the decisions.  My mom and sister (maid of honor) live four hours away and also have a lot on their plate besides my wedding. I don't want to sound like I am complaining - I am somewhat of a control freak when it comes to certain things, my wedding details being one of them, so I don't mind picking out everything on my own. Ian has given me the freedom to do whatever I want to not because he doesn't care but because he knows I care more and he wants it to be my special day. It's just hard doing all the logistical stuff without help. 

With that boys and girls, it is now time for the brutal honesty portion of this program. I skipped my Friday workout session because I "wasn't feeling well" which meant I wanted to finish registering at Macys. I had about 4 pints of homebrewed beer at my grandparent's house and I ate sourdough bread without even remembering that I decided to cut out bread. Like I just realized this morning that I ate bread on Saturday and Sunday and wasn't supposed to! I am having a really hard time getting used to not being allowed to eat certain things. I have ALWAYS eaten whatever I liked. This makes me realize that

FOOD IS A VERY SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR ME.

Women around me give me their success stories:

"I went dairy-free and lost 20 pounds... without working out."

"Before my wedding I stopped eating bread and I lost 15 pounds in 2 months." 

And I think Hey Wait - on the food pyramid aren't the dairy group and grains group like pretty big groups? 
Going into this weight-loss endeavor, I knew I wanted to create healthier eating habits, but do I really need to completely get rid of whole food groups to be successful?
Since I realized I might be mildly allergic to tomatoes, here is a list of some of my favorite things that I can no longer eat because they include ALL the things I have decided to "cut out":

1. Quesadilla or chips with salsa
2. Bruschetta
3. Spaghetti with Prego and Parmesan
4. Pizza
5. Tomato Cucumber Salad
6. Tomato Bisque Soup with Cheesey Bread
7. Red Beer (ok, I don't drink this that much but now that I can't, I want it real bad.)

This list of things were basically my staples in college. (Maybe why I gained 40 lbs??) 

Cutting out candy, trading my grande white chocolate mocha (470 cal) for a tall skinny cinnamon dolce latte, (90 cal) and forgoing the Ruffles is a lot less difficult for me than I thought it would be. But I get genuinely irritated that I can't have the occasional beer after work and that I can't make pasta on a lazy Saturday afternoon. I feel like a addict because food is all I think about these days. It consumes me. I think about crackers during the day. I fantasize about bagels with cream cheese. I have dreams about Scooby Doo shaped Kraft macaroni and cheese for goodness sake. I feel like a crazy person. I feel guilty for the rest of the day if I sneak a slice of cheese or a sliver of pumkin loaf. I feel like at any moment, I could snap and say "screw it!" and eat an entire Safeway cart full of bread, cheese, tomatoes, and beer. I think it could happen - I live above a Safeway! And it unfortunately makes me wonder: is this worth it? I think to myself Ian doesn't care that I weight 175 pounds. My family and friends love me the way I am. But then I remember that I am doing this for ME! And I care about reaching a healthier weight. 
 
I don't want to question my attempts to be healthier, and I really don't want to cut out some of my favorite foods just to lose weight faster. I think the key is moderation when it comes to food. Maybe I am making things up so I can have my bread back. But since I have started working out with my trainer, even though I have only technically lost 5 or 6 pounds, I feel so much better about myself. I feel slimmer and less flabby. I know that in actuality, nothing has physically changed by much. If I can cut down on things like bread and dairy instead of cutting out these things and work as hard as I can in the gym, I may not meet my 30 pound goal by the time June 19th rolls around. But I KNOW that I will make progress on feeling more confident, I will be healthier, and I won't hate myself for enjoying food. 

This is not me giving up, making excuses, or copping out! This is me realizing that a balanced diet is healthiest - not one with holes in it. Call me a cheater, but this is what it's gonna have to be so that I don't give up one day.

This week I want to focus on getting to the gym on my off days,  finding a great place for the rehearsal dinner, looking at wedding party presents, and enjoying my time being engaged to Ian!
Thanks for listening!