Hitting the Wall

When I feel the calling to write, I should seriously just obey it. Here I sit at Panera in Northgate, purposely early to meet a friend for lunch because yesterday and the day before I got the itch to write. But now, somehow, I am not quite in the mood. You could probably tell from my 3-week absence that I haven’t been “in the mood.” So when the feeling strikes, I must obey! What an idiot.

So here is what has been going on with me recently – and trust me there is a lot.

First I must report that in the last 3 weeks, I have only downsized by about 2 inches. Kind of disappointing after the last measure-in. But I was almost certain before the measuring that I had stayed the same, so 2 inches is a welcome change. I'm back in the 160's again also which is amazing!

Unfortunately, I have hit a wall a couple times in the last few weeks. The “I don’t give a shit” wall. The “I am fine the way I am; why should I change” wall. The “this is a waste of my free-time” wall. You get the idea. It really sucks. Let me tell you how it works. When I want to eat some really naughty foods like Easter candy or a cheeseburger or even a simple cup of chai, here is what goes through my head – what is the big deal? Am I going to deny myself something that I know will be delicious and nearly harmless just because I am getting married? My dress will still fit me if I have one piece of candy, one cheeseburger, one latte. If I completely deprive myself, it is unhealthy. Everything in moderation. So I indulge. The next week, I will go to the mall to try on Bridal Shower dresses, wiggle into a size 12, look in the mirror, and here is what goes through my head – I shouldn’t have had that candy, burger, latte. THIS is why I am putting myself through this. This feeling I get in these harsh fluorescents, in a dress that is supposed to make me feel beautiful, for an occasion I have been waiting for my whole life. (I can be a bit dramatic.) I could reach my goals if only I had some self-control! Damnit.

Enough of that. I am sure it’s nothing that any other average woman hasn’t gone through before! And that is what I am – an average woman. The average woman in America is a size 12. I am not grotesquely fat and I don’t have health risks because of my weight. So maybe I need to just get over it. But it’s just a see-saw for me. One minute I accept, the next I reject the way I am. I am not going to even try to explain it any further. Not worth it - I can't wrap my head around my issues.

Let’s move on to happier things.

On Saturday the 10th, I was completely surprised by a Bridal Shower thrown by basically all the women in Ian's family! It was so amazing and caught me completely off guard. I have never had a surprise party before. I got to meet most of the rest of Ian's family which was awesome because now I won't have to meet them for the first time at the wedding. Ian's mom drove all the way from Billings just to be there for the weekend, his sister Paige came from Spokane, his aunt came from Manson, and his cousin Meg came all the way from Georgia! (Ok she was in town anyway and that is why they planned the shower for that weekend, but still.) I got a bunch of gifts from our registry and we all ate cake and drank punch. I felt welcomed into the family and the fact that they all got together to celebrate meant a lot to me. I am joining such a caring and accepting family!!

A couple weekends ago we went to my parents house in Kennewick. We of course took Lola SpecialDark with us. She has such fun running in the backyard with my parent's dogs. They get sick of her pretty fast, but Lola just keeps bugging them. There is no off-switch.

While in Kennewick, we went wedding shopping and bought shoes for Danielle and I as well as Danielle's headpiece and Ian's beautiful white Alfani shirt. We decided to go with black suits instead of renting tuxedos for the guys, as it costs almost the same to buy a nice suit (on crazy sale at Macys) as it does to rent a tux at Men's Warehouse. Plus I think suits are so much sexier. And let's be honest - this is an outdoor garden wedding by the beach - no need to get super fancy. Suits are better and he gets to keep it after the wedding day!

The wedding music situation is kind of falling apart. It's starting to make me nervous as there is only 1 month, 3 weeks, and a few days til the wedding. I really don't want to play recorded music for the ceremony, but I still have my friend Matt on board to play the violin so maybe I can recruit some more musicians.

Ian didn't get the Ohio job. We were a bit bummed, but we know there is something better out there. We are trying to practice patience. It's tough. Ian had an interview last week with St. Martin's University in Lacey, Washington. It's a Resident Director position which isn't his first choice, but it's better than nothing. He has also applied for a job at University of San Francisco which looks promising. Ian's director at SU knows the director over in SF and has put in a good word. Cross your fingers.

This weekend, we will go to my grandparent's house to help rebuild the stairs that lead to the beach. All for the wedding. Sheesh.

The next weekend is the Bridal Shower my sister is throwing for me.


The next weekend is the Bridal Shower my mom's church is throwing for me.


Then my dress fitting on the 25th. Oh speaking of my dress, I tried it on. It's too big! Yay.


There are a few other things I could write about. But I won't. In general, it's business as usual around here. I am ready for some change in my life. I am ready to know what's next.


Thanks for listening.

Engagement Pictures!

Well in case you are anxious to see some of the pictures, and haven't already looked at some on Blake's blog, here are some of my favorites from the engagement photoshoot with BlakeJames Photography!

Click on the photo to get a closer look.

It was a perfect day. Thanks, Blake! I am so excited about the Wedding Photos, I can hardly stand it!